You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
