I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
