turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
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there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
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he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Randomize
