I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
25 People Share How They Got Out Of Their Longest Dry Spell
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
21 People Confess Their Craziest Online Dating Experience
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.