Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
