Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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