I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Randomize
