either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Randomize
