Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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