Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
