If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
