nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
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