I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Randomize
