the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
