I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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