I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Randomize
