I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Randomize
