My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
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