Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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