giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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