I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
