i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
