areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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