I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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