A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
