Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Randomize
