words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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