She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
