do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
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