i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
