My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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