she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
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you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
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I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap