So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
what day is it and did you see me today?
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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