i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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