The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
