Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
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