my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
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