i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
