Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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