i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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