By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
