If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
