I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Randomize
