I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
