my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
