you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Randomize
