I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
