my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
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