Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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