Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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