I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Enjoy the penises
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
