last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
So vagazzling was a success
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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