What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Sext me about skeletons
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
