Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
