i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
My balls are so social today.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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