she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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