I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Randomize
