At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
You did what with his pubic hair?
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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