i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
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Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
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Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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