You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Randomize
