Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Randomize
